Subdermal 
“It lives in folds of red and steamy air.”—“Hellbound,” The Breeders
Now,
this should be no biggie for women, right? You have it or you don’t.
Unfortunately, the miserable health care system in this country has made either
option a horror show for women who are not middle class or above. My friend
was recently laid off from her job, and her health insurance cost almost as
much as her monthly rent, so she could not afford to pay for it after the
lay-off. But she couldn’t apply for Medicaid or Medicare or whatever it is
because she’s not yet poor enough. No matter—those guys don’t pay for abortions,
do they? I don’t f’ing know. And even if she decided to have the kid, how
could she raise it? If she had a job, she’d be out of the house all day, and
if she didn’t have a job, she couldn’t afford it.
She briefly considered having it and selling it to a gay couple (she
was thinking this would be a nice thing, add karma points, and get her some
health care for the next nine months), but then she realized her father would
fight with her about it and demand that he raise it, and he sort of raised
her and she wanted no part of that. She decided on an abortion, and she decided
that, if she could, she’d go route RU-486, otherwise known as the abortion
pill.
When
she had money, she’d donated $200 to Planned Parenthood for George
W. Bush’s birthday (they sent him a card!), so she called them looking
for help. She called me later in tears. “They’re not answering the phones
today!” It was Monday! They’d been closed since Saturday. She finally got
through to them on Wednesday, they could not give her an appointment until
two weeks later (making it too late, possibly, to take RU-486, which
is generally recommended for abortions up to 7-9 weeks), and refused to tell
her the price on the phone! “How are you paying for this?” they asked. “Well,
I dunno,” she said. “I’m unemployed. How much will it be?” “I can’t give you
that information over the phone,” the Planned Parenthood ‘counselor’ said,
“You need to discuss that with the business manager.” It seemed clear to her
(and to me) that Planned Parenthood doesn’t want to deal with you unless you
have some sort of insurance or oodles
of available cash. I’m glad I gave my $200 to NARAL for baby Bush’s
birthday. (When I called subsequently and asked to speak to a press liaison,
the ‘counselor’ acted as if she had no idea what I was talking about. However,
I still could not get general pricing information over the phone.)
I
called around to several women’s health clinics for my friend, since it was
clear that Planned Parenthood would not be an option for her. Despite the
fact that RU-486 was being touted as a safe and more affordable abortion option
for women, it turned out it cost at least as much as a traditional “vacuum”
abortion, and oftentimes more. This is in spite of the fact that RU-486 is
easier for the gynecologist. At most clinics, the patient only sees the doctor
briefly, while he/she explains the procedure. Prices ranged from $425 to a
whopping $900, and several clinics’ exorbitant prices did not include follow-up
visits, which are necessary to make sure all the fetal tissue has passed.
Park Med, also known as the Ritz-Carlton of abortion clinics, charged
$600, and did include follow-up visits. But my friend was feeling cheap and
reckless and decided to go with the least expensive clinic.
Thank
goddess Westside Women’s Medical turned out to be a pleasant, clean,
efficient clinic. Although the office was packed, the staff did their best
to keep things moving along and managed to inform people of how long their
waits would be. The handouts they distributed upon check-in thoroughly explained
the procedure, and a nurse later explained it verbally. There was none of
the chaos I would have expected from a gynecological clinic. The $485 fee
included a necessary injection because of my friend’s weird blood type (they
type your blood at the clinic, you don’t need to know it before showing up),
a sonogram (this is standard, to determine the age of the fetus) a follow-up
visit with a second sonogram, and, if necessary, additional medication or
surgical procedures if the fetal tissue didn’t expel.
The
RU-486 abortion was pretty brutal, my friend said, possibly worse than a surgical
abortion due to the time it took and the cramps and body aches. The procedure
itself takes no time at all—a couple of pills in the doctor’s office and some
vaginal suppositories a few days later, but the cramps that began several
hours after the suppositories were intense and long-lasting. They do warn
you about the pain, and at Westside they give you a prescription for some
Tylenol with Codeine, which my friend foolishly did not fill. And then
you can’t drink alcohol either, until all the bleeding stops, which may happen
in a couple days, or a couple of weeks. RU-486 is not for the squeamish. To
put it in blunt terms, you’re inducing a miscarriage. Unlike a surgical abortion,
where the fetal tissue is sucked through a tube while you gaze up at the ceiling
(or sleep), the RU-486 abortion forces you to stare at gloopy clots each time
you go to the bathroom to change your pad (you can’t use tampons, of course).
Sometimes the clots are so thick you can feel them slither out of you, my
friend said. Eww!
So, why would anyone get the RU-486, or medical, abortion? Did you know that it can be too early to have a surgical abortion? Usually, under six weeks, which would be a full two weeks after your missed period, is too early to have a surgical abortion. That means if you’ve been paying attention and you miss your period, you might be living with this big yucky event coming up in your life for two weeks. Not fun. You’ll be screaming “Serenity now!,” at ya peeps for 14 days. Also, many women would just prefer to do this at home surrounded by friends and ice cream. For those who don’t want to undergo anesthesia, RU-486 is perfect. And there are fewer complications associated with RU-486—excessive bleeding would be the worst, which could be easily taken care of at the doctor’s office. A surgical abortion runs the risk of complications of anesthesia, perforations, infections…
“Scrabbled while we slept”—“Glorious,” The Breeders
M.
David Hornbuckle, Noah Tarnow, and I joined the lovely and intelligent peeps of Team
Kick Ass for Thursday Night Trivia at Rocky Sullivan’s (129
Lexington between e. 28 and 29 Street). We had a big advantage, as the category
that evening was music, and we’re all lint traps for musical trivia. For the
first few rounds we were in the top three, and then we pulled ahead into the
lead. We loved the lead and never let it go. It was our special friend. “Do
you win every week?,” I screeched ecstatically to team members, who confessed
that, no, they didn’t. It was the magickal powers of the unholy trinity. But
they do win a lot. Trivia night is fun. What could be better than drinking
and trivia and hanging out with friends? I know, trivia and sex, but sometimes
you gotta leave the apartment. And sometimes you wanna team up with people
with whom you’ll never have sex. Winning team gets a free round of drinks.
We got cotton candy shots. Check out rockysullivans.com for more info
“Twenty
hours later I fill the room with bad sex and bad TV”—“When I Was a Painter,”
The Breeders
Television,
13 years after “Marquee Moon,” at Irving Plaza was like an acid trip: the
first half was beautiful, and then you were wishing it would end. I’d forgotten
that the songs went on and on, which is fine when you’re sitting cross-legged
on your bed reading tarot cards, but not so fine when you’re in a crowd of
old people and some of them are bumping their wide asses into your neatly
shaved crotch. And they made us wait until the encore for “See No Evil,” which
was cruel enough, but Verlaine neglected or refused to sing the rousing coda
of “pull down the future with the one you love.” Then they did a very strange
cover of “Psychotic Reaction.” I probably
would have liked it all better had I not been phenomenally ill and achy. This
is what happens when you’re old. Verlaine’s voice was a little weak in the
beginning of the show, but he got warmed up pretty quickly. Verlaine and Lloyd
sounded excellent together.
Unfortunately,
since Television was a one time event (well, they played the day before too,
but I got tickets for Wednesday) I missed Madame Chao’s Magic Theater
at the Remote Lounge. The Madame is a video artist from the bizarr0
world who hits you with too much, too soon, too fast. Like the best acid trip,
it’s horrifyingly beautiful. Chao takes time and space, warps it, and shoots
it at you through a cathode ray gun. Get a taste of Chao at madamechao.com,
and check out some of the terror from the night (3/20) at remotelounge.com.
Michelle
Amato, who has changed her name to Via Satellite. I was seated
next to some lovely wowombs in the front row who adored Scagnetti. I was particularly
entranced with Via’s venomous attacks (at one point she declared that Girlbomb’s
“cunt is the widest circle of Hell”, la Girbomb’s flirtation with the separatist
poetess jewess played by Shelley Mars, and Chazz’s blond moustache. Musical
director Hornbuckle serenaded us with several snarky hits (“Things
About Which” and “Valentine’s Day”) and accompanied la GB on her final number,
“Macarthur Park,” which managed to be different from both the Richard Harris
and Donna Summer versions (although she did use the disco lyric ‘playing
Chinese checkers’). I can't even imagine how la GB will manage to top
this show. The next Beautiful Scene
will be April 12 at midnight, also at Surf.
Coming
up in April:
4/4, 4/11 + 4/25 (almost every Thursday in April) at 10 pm: The Porno Jim
Show. Yes, there will be porn,
and Porno Jim will explain why it’s bad, or good. Featuring music by Bex.
At
Surf Reality, 172 Allen St. bet. Stanton & Rivington Sts. $8 Bring
your own tissues, boys.
Shauna
Lane
will be at Caroline’s on April 9, and back with Shauna’s World, at
Surf on April 26 at 10 PM (right before Scagnetti, who will not be here)
4/5
+ 4/19 (every other Friday, midnight til cows leave): Thems Good Eatin
presents: Braincell Genocide XI Five
hours of music, booze and chicken for $9. Surf Reality. Special Guests on
the 5th- The Guitar Situations, with Jeffrey Lewis
4/12,
4/19, 4/26 (Friday nights in April)
at 10 PM (note: 4/26 show is at midnight): Scagnetti wuz not here,
an evening of misery and nonsense, at Surf Reality. What to say about
Curtis Scagnetti that hasn’t already been said about someone else? Ooh! I
got something! He’s my favorite dada-ist comedian. M. David Hornbuckle,
my favorite musical literary critic, will be opening the April 12 show. There
will be special guests, special films, and very special feelings in those
most private areas. $7
4/12,
midnight: the second A Beautiful Scene: A mock talk show at Surf
Reality, Hosted by Girl Bomb, with M. David Hornbuckle
(the ‘M’ is for ‘mmm’) as the smart-assed musical director. $8 check
girlbomb.com for further info.
4/18:
I (as in Melpomene Whitehead) will be reading as part of Lit VIII--written
word readings at Surf Reality Thursday, April 18, 10pm, $6. Also
on the bill will be Sarah Fisch, who not only tells a good story, but
has a lovely voice that will make you feel all warm and tingly, the ever-lovin’
Girl Bomb, Liam McEneaney (fresh from a hylarious appearance on Comedy
Central’s Premium Blend), KE Seims,
and Anne Sussman. It’s a pawty. BYOB (that’s bottle, beer, or
bear) and your PJs and I’ll tell you a bedtime story that will hopefully give
you nightmares.
4/19,
10 PM: Sprinkle Genies at Sidewalk, 94 Ave A. and…
5/2,
10 pm: Sprinkle Genies infiltrate Asbury Park. Hell, it’s May! You
could leave for the shore after work, see the Genies, then drive down to Seaside
Heights and get a room! Take Friday off, walk the boardwalk, get a hermit
crab and have your fortune told… The
Sprinkle Genies will be playing at The Saint, 601 Main St. in Asbury Park,
NJ
Melpomene Whitehead is the snevil.com girl email her at mel@snevil.com
back to snevil snevil bo bevil