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The Day Colin Lost His Dignity by Caligula Dodge
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Rodenticide Tour Diary
by Felonious Mung, aka Mungo Baguette
6.7
I'm trying to be quiet, but Henrey says my claws make too much noise on the keyboard. I thought he could sleep through anything!
We've been on tour for only a few days, and so far it's fun. Girls come backstage and we can sit on their laps and get pet. We've taken to calling it lap-dancing...
The weird thing is getting the girls to call us by our real names. Henrey doesn't care, he doesn't respond to anything: Hank, Henrey, or his stage name HazCat. But I get confused when people call me Felonious, or just Felony. Unless I hear the whole name, Felonious Mung, I don't turn around.
6.8
Henrey broke a string on stage, and then fell asleep in the bass drum.
6.9
I'm glad Henrey isn't driving. He's so tired all the time! He has to stay awake for 40 minutes to do the show, and that's really difficult for him. Sometimes he can't make it. We have a rider in our contract to make sure we get paid whether or not Henrey falls asleep.
The van is fun, too. Better than the Nova would have been. The van has cabinets with snakes, oh, I mean snacks, and sometimes when we make a sharp turn the snacks fall out.
I miss my mommy, but there are many other people to keep me busy, and mommy wouldn't want me to be too lonely, would she? Henrey says she'd want us to be fed, and sleeping.
6.10
Hank got into a lot of trouble today. I'm not sure what city we were in, but there was a mall, and we had some time and decided to go to the mall. I wanted to go to the pet shop and release the ferrets, Hank wanted to go to the food court. He thought it'd be funny if we got a rat from the pet shop and released it in the food court and then we could eat everyone's food. Only thing was, he ended up getting into a poker game with the rats instead, and then he lost all his money and they tried to beat him up (there was like 5 of them) and the cops came and they took everyone away. I tried to call 1-800-innocent, but i dialed 1-800-incense instead and this rasta guy came w/ joss stick of nag champa. That was pretty funny. The incense guy convinced Henrey that the cops were targeting him because he was black, and little Chernushka got all riled (Chernushka means Blackie in russian. I was reading while I waited at the jail). He started screaming abour racial profiling, and next thing we knew Johnnie Cochran was on the phone. So, apparently, dialing 1-800-incense can get you a lawyer.
6.13
You'd think we were gangstas!
Henrey want to go to the mall, and i said ok, because i like the mall. there are people and girls who want to pet me and everyone says i look pretty and it's all nice and there's food and pizza. So we went to the mall and Henrey said, "You got money?" and I did, and we went to the pet store. Henrey got it into his head that he wanted siamese fighting fish and he'd hold fights like cock fights only fish fights and people would bet against him and he'd sell beer and make money and he'd keep it all himself. so he got the fish and two small tanks and all the accoutrements, etc etc and we get them back to the hotel and henrey put them together and nothing. nothing happens. he calls around and this guy comes over and looks and says, "they're a mated pair!" I was so happy! Henrey was pissed off and said "The most we can hope for now is that they eat their young."